Ash Wednesday Redux

 

              On Ash Wednesday, I was amused to find this “Catholic Guide to Ashes” on Facebook.  A friend asked if this was true, so I responded that priests and deacons study the different designs in the sacristy before Mass, and then we apply the one that we think fits each recipient best.  I immediately followed that tongue-in-cheek statement with a “JUST KIDDING,” not because I worried that my friend would miss the jocularity, but that someone else on Facebook might, and a horrible dialogue would ensue about stereotyping and why people didn't think the design they received fit them.

I think every priest, deacon and layperson who distributes ashes aims for the “First in Line,” but several variables contribute to the final design.  A few examples follow:

The Blob and the Hindu – These designs typically land on the over-enthusiastic, who come charging at us with such force that our thumbs are planted into their foreheads, rendering us unable to make the sign of the cross.  Charismatics and elementary school child typically sport the Blob or the Hindu.  They also appear if the minister sneezes, trips or just needs to steady him/herself as the individual approaches.

The Rorschach and the Hipster – The Rorschach and the Hipster result from moving the head while ashes are being imposed.  It’s usually found among three types of people:  1) those who are nervous about receiving ashes (such as RCIA candidates, people who never come to Church, and devil worshipers); 2) parents (who are shaking their heads “no” at their children as they receive their ashes); and 3) the over-caffeinated.   They can also result from the shaky hand of the individual imposing ashes (nervous first-timers, parents shaking their heads “no” at their children while distributing ashes, and the over-caffeinated).

Father’s Revenge – There are three groups of people that tempt me to impose Father’s Revenge:  1) Nasty people; 2) the highly devout; and 3) bald men.  As for nasty people (that includes troublesome children), they need something to think about on Ash Wednesday.  As for the highly devout, that’s what they really want anyway.  As for bald men, I’m sorry, but the canvas is just too big to let it go to waste.  That said, I will not reveal whether I’ve ever resorted to imposing the Father’s Revenge, or whether I've double-dipped to complete my work on an expansive canvas.

The Mini – My thumb’s too big to pull this one off, though I try with small children.  Unfortunately, it usually turns out looking like a Father’s Revenge relative to the size of their foreheads or a Blob/Hindu.

The Load Toner – The name says it all.  This design is most often the result of not having dipped my thumb hard enough into the ashes.  However, it can also be found on women who wear too much foundation and on nervous people (see the categories above) who stop to receive their ashes just beyond arm’s reach.

The Franciscan – As a product of a Jesuit education, this one doesn't inspire me.  Truth be told, if I were going to impose a letter on someone’s forehead, a Hester Prynne “A”, an “L” (you figure it out), or my initials would be more tempting.

                Such are my thoughts on the Catholic Guide to Ashes.  Perhaps next time I’ll provide some commentary on the different ways that people present themselves for Communion.