10 Reasons Why I'll Never Be Pope

╬ White is not slimming – I've reached middle age; I need all the help I can get.

╬ I’m a messy eater – Pasta sauce and white cassocks do not mix.

╬ I have a sixth grade sense of humor – The Curia would not be amused.

╬ My wife would not be amused.

╬ I often fall asleep while praying the Rosary.

╬ The closest I’ll ever get to a Cardinal would be at a birdfeeder.

╬ My homilies are too short – 8 minutes tops.  The Pope is just warming up by then.

╬ My eye twitches when I talk about morality – It might be confused for winking, which would be very wrong.

 ╬ I’d look like Zippy the Pinhead in a miter.

╬ The summer of 1987 – ‘Nuff said.